Hi Love,

Ego here

But with the right guardrails, I know we can do better. We can experience the benefits of letting love flow without fear. So let's try-- let's carve a deep, sturdy riverbed with candid communication. To start, I need to take responsibility for my dominating disposition in the relationship. I've selected and woven every thread into the fabric of our identity. I can't put my finger on why, but it just seems like an unshakeable calling of mine. I spend most of my time pouring over the components of our identity: how we see ourselves, how others see us, and everything related to our self awareness.

These components all play a vital role in how love flows to us and from us. And perhaps even more important than the individual components is their balance. The wrong balance ends up being toxic and restricts love from flowing properly. Regrettably, I've fostered an unhealthy balance. I've given far too much power and attention to how others see us.

I don't exactly know why, but when I try to invent the part of our identity that shapes how we see ourselves, I just never seem to love what I come up with. Mostly because Shame and Trauma criticize my work to the point of me ending up in tears more than I'd like. Sure, I know it's their calling to hang on to negativity until it's processed, but I wish they would keep to themselves more. I know it's not my place to interfere, but you all should work on your communication. The less criticism I hear when settling on a self image that feels good, the easier it is to be confident about it. But there's almost always a ton of resistance from Shame and Trauma, so it ends up being easier to look outward to how others see us.

Compared to the derogatory commentary I get from Shame, external validation from others feels incredible. If I'm not fully addicted, I'm close to being totally hooked on the drug that is receiving complements from people we care about. It's so much easier than looking inward and getting an ear full from Trauma.

Though, I have to admit that, like any drug, there's a dark side to external validation. Especially when it's put on the pedestal above forming an original self image with the help of self awareness. Because when external validation is elevated, it takes over our identity. Then, eventually, our entire identity is driven by receiving love from others. Truly, this is a scary state because we almost entirely lose the ability to love ourselves independent of others. And while I don't think I've pushed us entirely into the darkness that is the dependence on the opinions of others, I've pushed us close enough to have a serious impact on how our love flows.

I hope that love can flow freely in us without depending on the opinions of others. In such a state, we won't have to worry about buying things so people think highly of us, or going places so people think we're cool, or even looking a certain way so people find us attractive. Instead, we can just decide on an image we find worthy of love, and then love freely and continually.

Sure, we'll still have to consider how others see us, but more for their benefit than ours. That's when love flows most freely, when we're so content with our internal self image that our external image is designed around showing up in a way that allows us to share the love we have for ourselves with others. Then, as a bonus, people will often reflect back the love that we so freely gave, but usually this will feel more genuine and pure than the dependency driven love we seek when external validation is in the driver's seat of our identity.

I don't like admitting that I've let external validation control so much of our identity, but I've thought a lot about why it boasts a seemingly effortless permanence. See, when we look to others for validation, we implicitly look to others for the labels and attributes that make up who we are. They might describe us as skinny or sporty or smart, and suddenly, because we depend on their opinions, we absorb those attributes into our identity. Then, we align our behavior so that those assigned attributes are validated. The validation provides positive reinforcement and perpetuates the cycle. Before we know it, we've let the people who matter to us totally define who we are and how we behave.

But nobody gets to define who we are unless we let them. Like I've mentioned, it's very natural to let people define who we are, but fighting it starts with awareness, which is a big part of my goal with this letter. Drawing awareness to how I've let my unbalanced identity obsession constrict our love. Moving forward, I'm going to do better about a more wholesome and independent formation of our image, and I could use your help. Please work with me to look inward more and communicate with Trauma and Shame so that we're unhindered in forming an identity together that we feel is worthy of a limitless flow of love.

I love you so much, and I'm so grateful for you putting in effort to work on our relationship.

Love,

Ego