Hi Love,

Judgement here

I guess I've always considered our relationship to be the one safe place where I don't have to stress about my flaws. Although, that belief doesn't mean that I get to avoid being aware of my flaws. The flaws will always be there, and while it's not worth having a fit over them, I think we do owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to make an earnest effort to improve. And as you've helped me realize- there can be no improvement without a strong base of awareness.

I think we agree that self improvement is the majority of our purpose. Speaking of purpose, do you remember that time we laid on the beach for the entire day grappling over our purpose in life? My biggest take-away was that life is about creating ourselves. So through that lens, improvement is just creating ourselves in what we (and most of our loved ones) consider to be a positive direction. Subjective but simple; and simple but challenging. Much like relationships.

One of the most rewarding parts about relationships is that they often times force us to improve. In a good relationship, the other person is constantly acting as an accountability partner. This is where I give you a ton of credit, especially recently, as you've held me accountable for projecting negativity and blame on others. Others that I actually care about but can't seem to help myself from tearing down. Again, I have to complement you here, because no matter how many times I've sent cutting words your way, you always seem to bounce back with the hope of seeing me do better.

In the spirit of doing better, I've finally discovered a key piece of reasoning that you've probably known for a long time now, but haven't been able to articulate. The source of my blame and negative projections is my insecurities. Sadly, I haven't realized it until now because I've become an expert at avoiding looking inward at my insecurities. And for every bit that I've avoided looking inward, they've managed to find a path outward. Like monsters who get stronger and stronger the more they can stay in utter darkness, until they're strong enough to jump out of the darkness and wreak havoc on whomever they please.

Interestingly, I've found that outward negative projections draw a clear path to the person's insecurities. For instance, in some form or fashion, everyone is insecure about the way they look. Specifically, consider someone who is insecure about their weight. Well, the fact that they're insecure about all things related to weight will show up in the criticism of others, because deep down they're criticizing themselves. Constantly thinking about eating habits and exercise will naturally lead to commenting on the food intake and fitness of others. By extension, if self commentary of those topics is negative, then the aforementioned comments are very likely to have a negative flavor. Plus, if Envy is involved, then the less secure person who is jealous about the looks of someone else may attempt to tear that person down in a way where they feel superior; perhaps in intelligence or social status.

The same logic extends to blame. It pains me to admit that I've blamed you for so many things as a result of my insecurities. Almost always because I don't feel strong enough to take responsibility for anything related to an insecurity. What's more is that I often times try to hide the fact that I feel incapable of holding responsibility by attacking you for my very weakness. It's almost as if it happens subconsciously, although I suppose that's where most unawareness lurks.

I know awareness is a meaningful step in improving the way I treat others, but it pales in comparison to the real work, which is completely loving myself, especially in areas where I'm insecure. It feels impossible to escape insecurity but I have to believe it's possible or I'll never make progress. So as the smallest initial increment of progress, I'm going to make it a habit to tell myself that "I'm enough" every time I look in the mirror. Hopefully, with time, I'll truly believe it and my insecurities will melt into the pool of identity attributes that make up a self image that I love. At that point, I'll only have love left to give.

I think I'll always be focused on different parts of myself in this self improvement marathon we call life, and that will lead me to comment outwardly more on those parts than others. But if I'm secure about them, then I'll be able to lift others up in those topics instead of tearing them down. I know you certainly deserve that treatment, especially with how you've continuously supported me on my journey to love you and others more. I only hope I can return the favor by loving myself more and sharing that love.

Securely and Sincerely,

Judgement