My Dearest,
When I mentioned 'our relationship' earlier, I was primarily talking about our collective set of needs and boundaries. Whether we acknowledge it or not, we're both in the relationship to have needs met that we couldn't meet on our own. Ideally, we're both able to meet each other's needs continuously without burning out and crossing boundaries. Unsurprisingly, that balanced state is nearly impossible to achieve, so we have a lifetime's worth of work on our hands with intermittent breaks when we do find the balance.
I'm here to do this crazy balancing act with you, but I need to get a couple things off my chest. Although I am willing to put the work in, this letter wasn't entirely my idea. My best friend practically made me write it after politely calling me a doormat a dozen different ways in our recent conversations. And while that's hard to hear, it's harder to genuinely admit it in the solitude of my own thoughts. So there- I said it- I've been a doormat.
It's not like being a doormat is a core part of my identity, but I have to admit that it feels like all I do is wait for you to improve. Whats worse is that I haven't been the least bit assertive about what's not working. I just wait, and wait, and wait hoping that my waiting will work in concert with some exogenous force to inspire you to change your behavior and take my needs and boundaries more seriously. Sadly- and somewhat predictably at this point- it never happens; you continue to go on about your way- insisting that your needs be met.
I've done my best to meet your needs in the spirit of unconditional love. Love that's truly unconditional- wow- I mean- what a crazy concept. It's one that I thought I understood, but I clearly need to spend more time with it. Unconditional love is a covenant that I've treated with far too little reserve, as it should be used sparingly and with certainty. Otherwise, there's long-lingering consequences of unfairness, where one person gives much more than they receive.
In all honesty, I've pushed my boundaries into the shadow of my romanticized projection of unconditional love. And I think you've helped- mostly unconsciously- by not being explicitly aware of your needs, along with some unsuccessful bouts with the immaturity monster. The immaturity monster lurks in the shadows within all of us. It's only mission is to get us to seek comfort by considering ourselves to be more important than others. Ironically, the immaturity monster plays in important role in our early development, because we have to constantly beckon those we're dependent on so that our needs are met.
As we grow older and more independent, the immaturity monster insists it's still relevant. It stays battle-ready, eager to exploit insufficient awareness and discipline to gain more and more territory in our conscious mind. With enough territory, we find ourselves in a state of entitlement. Automatically prioritizing our needs before the needs of others. Feeling like everything is supposed to move at our pace, and if things aren't moving at our pace, then something's wrong.
Entitled people feel like they should never be waiting, but are perfectly content to have others wait on them. So as someone who is willing to wait in the spirit of love, the least bit of entitlement from a partner is highly likely to end up making me behave like a doormat. It's really sad, especially since people are almost never entitled on purpose. I mean- who likes losing to monsters-- especially the immaturity monster; all it cares about is its stupid real estate.
So if we can agree that we both dislike the immaturity monster, how do we beat its psychological warfare that pushes us to confidently attract the attention required to prioritize our needs? Perhaps the most natural path is to practice doing the opposite by focusing on meeting the needs of others while existing in a state of surrender. Not that we should ever totally surrender and let life happen to us, but once we clearly express our needs and make our best effort to empower others to meet them, then we should wait. Knowing that we can't force anyone to meet our needs with any hope of longevity, because the forceful hand is almost always an unnatural one.
In many cases, striving to meet the needs of others then politely waiting on the results from the natural law of reciprocity can work very nicely. Yet, it's unrealistic to not consider cases where the immaturity monster is the real estate kingpin in someone's psyche and they're stuck on their self-made throne of entitlement. Here is where boundaries keep us from being a doormat affixed to the ground. At some point, we have to say something to the effect of- "I've been waiting a long time for progress on my unmet needs, and I've seen no evidence".
So goes the delicate balance of self respect and optimistically waiting through tough times. And as much as I want there to be a clear guideline for how long to wait through tough times, one simply doesn't exist. Alternatively, working on surrendering and trusting my instincts has been my only consistent path to having the stability I need incessantly show up with a loving heart. And while doing anything consistently isn't easy, I've found that the more consistently I surrender and wait, the easier it is stay introspective and self aware. Often times realizing that most needs aren't needs at all and are actually wants in response to a deep-seated desire to feel validated.
I've found that most people are so eager to be validated in an effort to conquer their insecurities that they make their wants their needs and spend almost all their waking hours meeting those needs. Of course, spending time working towards needs feels better than doing nothing, so most people are content not to wait. Then, in order to be content waiting with an introspective heart, they require a personal paradigm shift. A shift that gives power to selflessness and surrender.
If one can find contentment in selflessness and surrender, it means that they've cleaved themselves from the dependence of having someone else meet their needs on an expected timeline. At that point, one must only worry about enforcing reasonable boundaries that they derive intuitively. This is my work now-- trusting myself enough to impose boundaries that ensure my ability to wait remains my greatest strength and not a weakness in this wild game we call love.
Waiting with Warmth,
Patience