Hello my Dear,
While it might not be evident from my recent actions, I have been pouring over ideas to cast out the heaviness in our relationship in favor of love. The bulk of that work has been talking with my lifelong friends about why I seem to keep damaging our relationship in spite of good intentions. Surprisingly, the feedback has been conclusive, and has pointed to two main issues-- expectations and judgement.
Expectations are a double edged sword. On one side- it's impossible to feel a sense of coordinated normalcy and stability without expectations. On the other hand, expectations that aren't precisely agreed upon end up creating disappointment and friction in the relationship. This idea rings especially true when it comes to expectations related to roles in a relationship. Inevitably, each person will enter into a relationship with expectations about how they're supposed to behave, as well as how the other person is supposed to behave.
When I reflect on it, I'm confident we've never had a candid discussion about the roles in our relationship. And while it may not be a role in the traditional sense, I've always seen you as someone who dances to the beat of their own drum. Where much of the confidence and energy that keeps you dancing through the darkness of this world comes from your individualism. An individualism that thoughtfully canvases the both of us and creates the culture in our relationship that I've come to love.
Some days, I catch myself daydreaming of a world that exclusively consists of the two of us dancing to that beat you joyfully drum. And as much as I enjoy the floaty feeling from those daydreams, the far-reaching grasp of reality always pulls me back down. Down to the world where we're expected to fit into social norms and constantly judged by others. A sad but unignorable truth.
Here is where I see my role-- to keep that irreplicable drumbeat of yours from creating too much tension with the rest of the orchestra that is the set of people we care about. Where caring is largely about being considerate of how we make people feel. Yes, I know, I know-- you feel like I'm the last person who should be touting the importance of considering the feelings of others, given how I've made you feel. The irony is not lost on me that I care so much about the expectations and norms of others that I've put the communication of expectations between us in the shadow of projecting coercive negativity on to you.
I suppose I haven't been thoughtful enough about how to influence your behavior without forcing you to feel awful about the judgement of others. But I'm done causing you discomfort in the spirit of preserving a picture perfect, judgement-free image. Instead, I plan on striving for the balance between helping you understand why others are projecting judgement, and being polite about how we fit into their expectations.
After dealing with more projections of judgement than I can count, I've learned that the enforcement of expected norms and the accompanying judgement is nothing more than others asking us to help carry a burden that they don't feel they're strong enough to carry alone. For instance, take someone who judges us about the way we eat. Well, deep down- usually without being able to articulate it- they feel so much pressure about their body image and eating habits that they want someone else to feel the pressure that they feel. Maybe, their subconscious goes on to reason, if I can make others feel bad about their eating, then it will normalize the way I feel about myself and can't seem to escape. In simpler words- judgement starts within and bubbles out.
Knowing the true, but often misunderstood, origins of judgement should help us to help others. Because in helping others feel more love for themselves in respect to the issue pushing them to cast judgement, we reduce the internal pressure which they feel the need to share. So if you can help the people we care about love themselves more, then I'll feel way less of a need to inject behavior-correcting negativity towards you. Look, I know it's not easy, because loving in the face of judgement involves always being the bigger person, even when you feel ridiculed, but it's the only way to break the cycle. That vicious cycle that responds to judgement with more judgement and harsh energy.
The only way to break the cycle is to support each other and do it together. On my end, I'm determined to give you a gentle nudge whenever I sense inbound judgement against an expected norm. Then, upon receiving that nudge, I'll leave it to you to let confidence from your individuality shine and lift up the person who feels the need to judge. Bit by bit, we'll get better at working together and help generate more love in our relationship by spreading more love to those we care about.
Thank you so much for sticking with me as I've worked on being less negative.
Letting love shine,
Shame