Hi Love,
In a good relationship, one person sees a better version of the other person than that other person sees of themselves. Then, that higher image of their significant other acts as a hanging magnet, pulling them up when they're feeling low. A feeling that's unfortunately common these days when society so commonly places heavy weights on people designed to capitalize on people feeling low. Only to offer them products and experiences that are meant to make them feel better- at a high-margin price, of course.
Once you're aware that you're constantly being pushed down in the spirit of commercialization, selfishness, and greed, it's hard not to think about it. Thoughts that compound with the very downward pressure on my self image to make my disposition even heavier. Heaviness that's shown up as those negative feelings in our relationship I've mentioned.
Deep down, I end up being negative because I want you to feel closer to how I feel; which is a fair approach to my subconscious, but unfair to my conscious. Where the realization of the conscious bit is relatively recent, and I feel like the additional awareness gives me a fighting chance in the battle to independently determine how I feel about myself. Regardless, the battle spans two fronts-- subconscious and conscious.
The subconscious front, to me at least, holds the harder fight because it is elusive and subliminal. Starting at an early age, our parents are usually unaware of the vicarious projections of their insecurities. Flaws in their self image become barriers to us having a wholesome and high opinion of ourselves, without us understanding how or why. As a counter, we have to study our parents closely, taking careful note of the insecurities that show up in their actions and energy. Armed with those notes, we can search ourselves for the stubborn traces of those infirmities. Treating them like wounds that are healed by us accepting that we are enough.
The breakthrough moment of healing for me was when I realized that one of my parents was really insecure about their professional status. This realization helped me to see why I've never felt like I've accomplished enough with work and tie my professional success directly to how I view myself. I think this happens to tons of people and typically turns them into workaholics. The only path to freedom is to actively decouple professional value with self value. Where the test of success is that you feel just as good about yourself unemployed as employed.
I think the whole employment entanglement with our value is actually a small piece of a larger sinister subconscious attack. One where the capitalistic elite are aiming for us to attach our value to how much we spend and how we're perceived by others. Where the latter bit presents a dangerous cycle with a critical mass of people involved. Specifically, if the majority of people in a given society derive their personal value from how others view them, then they will copy what other people find valuable. Then you only need a relatively small percentage people who are viewed as desirable to broadcast materialistic values and suddenly the majority absorbs those values. And of course, the puppeteers of capitalism stand to profit.
We all want to feel accepted- and unfortunately- several smart, powerful people have chosen to prey on that truth. And although it's taken me a while to realize it, the key to determining our own value is to personally and individually take ownership of our acceptance. Because if we let others control our feeling of acceptance, we've given them control of how valuable we feel. Then, we're basically slaves, working tirelessly to increase things like our net worth, follower count on social media, and number of complements on our appearance we receive from loved ones. All things that the capitalistic world has put value on, so if we're not deliberate about acknowledging that our values don't have to be the same as those found in capitlism, then we implicity adopt those values.
Seriously- I'm done with it all. I refuse to let someone put my value in a box, especially when so many people seek to control that box for their own gain. In response, I'm choosing to accept and love myself. I'm choosing to heal the flaws that are weighing me down instead of looking for someone to validate me. As every bit of validation I look for gives away power.
Clearly, I'm making this stand for myself, but I'd be remiss not to acknowledge that you're such a big part of my inspiration. You've always chosen to see who I can be just as much as you see who I am. And for the most part, I've been someone who's let others push down the love I have for myself to the point where you haven't received as much love as you've deserved.
Make no mistake how deserving you are, though. And now that I'm well down the path of determining my own value, I'm looking forward to our relationship benefiting with much more love.
With infinite value and love,
Worth